


After The Crossroads

by nenuphar



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-07
Updated: 2012-08-07
Packaged: 2017-11-11 15:41:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/480132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nenuphar/pseuds/nenuphar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things simply cannot be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After The Crossroads

Jun knows that the glass will leave stains on the coffee table. There is already water condensing on its cold surface and he knows that in a few moments all those drops will fall down and gather at the bottom of the glass. They will form a ring that will stay there long after the glass would be washed and put away and will remind Jun of the importance of coasters, especially on imported wood. And yet, although his eyes are fixated at the glass right in front of him, he's not aware of any of this. 

In front of him, the TV is blasting some insane commercial. He knows the actor in the pink costume, he actually worked with him a couple of times, and they got drunk together during one night in Okinawa. Jun doesn't notice. The drama comes up again and he doesn't even blink. Like all the images before, these too fail to reach him. They make it up to his glasses where they are reflected and send back and Jun just sits there and forgets to blink.

News Zero was the last thing he consciously watched; there had been a debate between Sho and Murao-san about the new Energy Package of the government. It had seemed heated at first but at the end they finished with the consensus that, as long as Japan worked hard and everyone did their best, it would turn out well. And then Murao had wished Sho the best for his wedding and Sho had smiled.

Moments or maybe hours later, there is a knock on his apartment door. There is another knock and then there is the sound of a key turning in his lock. Jun stirs. Would it be just anybody, he'd tell them to leave, to get out and to leave him the fuck alone. But it's not just anybody who has the keys to his apartment, so instead he breathes in and blinks and waits. 

He doesn't have to wait long. Sho doesn't even take off his shoes. Instead, he pushes the door open with a vehemence that he hasn't shown at all since their very first years as Juniors when he had been angry and full of land-mines that could go off at any minute. He shuts it in the same way, briskly, with too much noise and Jun waits for more signs of anger, just so he knows how to react to all this.

Instead, Sho stops right there. It's as if whatever had driven him here is waiting outside, as if Sho had shut the door right at its face. It looks a bit as if Sho was hiding here, hiding from something that had no access to Jun's apartment, especially with the way he was leaning against the door, in a wet parka with his face towards the ground. 

Neither of them says a word. Jun at least has turned towards Sho, he's looking at him from his seat at the couch, either unwilling or unable to move. Sho has his eyes closed. He hasn't moved yet, his hands are still sprawled against the door, either looking for something to hold onto or pushing against it. 

Finally, he looks up. 

There is a lot to be said about Sho and his need for words and phrases. He hides behind that sometimes, preferring to cover his emotions in eloquent words and appropriate quotations. He talks less when he is amongst people he trusts or when he's too drunk to be cautious. But even then he rarely allows others to see what he really feels. 

So it comes as a shock when Jun looks at Sho, and he's _really_ looking at Sho. There are no walls behind his eyes; instead there is emotion, so raw and unbridled that Jun can barely stand it. He has never seen Sho like this and just as he becomes aware of it he realizes that Sho can see him too. He has lost his own walls and he doesn't know how to put them up again. Right now, neither of them hides anything, not anymore. 

“One word.” Sho says, “One word from you and I'll end it.”

He means what he says and he knows what it would cost him. Jun can see it in his eyes, in the way he looks at him.  
Just now, in that one sentence, Sakurai Sho has offered Jun to throw everything away. He'll cancel his marriage, lose his job, give up on Arashi and accept whatever his family will throw at him. Right here and now, he is laying it all at Jun's feet. It's a declaration of love that is so much stronger than any drama or movie could ever think of. In a way, it's a complete surrender of everything Sho is and can be, all for one chance at being with Jun. 

They are both still where they had been, Jun on the sofa and Sho at the door. 

But at the same time, they are back at the moment they first met, back at their first show segment as juniors, back at their first press conference as Arashi, back at their first kiss after the first concert. They are back at all the moments they had together, those small and hurried affairs between concerts and movie shootings, those moments when they pretended that this was nothing, nothing special, nothing they needed to think about now, since they'd always have time for that later. They are back at every moment they could have taken to admit to each other and to themselves what they truly felt. They are back at every moment where they didn't find the courage to do just that.

A tiny part of Jun is taking storage of Sho's face as it is right now. At the way his cheeks are flushed and his mouth is slightly open. How he takes shallow, hurried breaths. And above all he notes how Sho’s eyes are glued to him. How he refuses to look away. Jun bottles it all up, trying to preserve the memory of that one moment where Sho was his and only his and nothing could've stopped them. 

Mostly, however, Jun wishes he would love Sho just a little bit less.

Just enough to consider this, enough to take Sho up on this, enough to go with him and leave it all behind. As it is, he can't. He can't allow Sho to give up on everything that means something to him. He can't, because if he did, then Sho wouldn't be Sho anymore.  
It's Sho’s love for him that makes this possible, but it's Jun's love for Sho that forbids it.

They both know it. Jun watches as realization reaches Sho's eyes. He watches as Sho tries to cover it up at first and then doesn't. He sees a mirror of his own feelings, an echo of the desperation that clogs Jun's throat. Finally, Sho lowers his head. Jun can't see his eyes anymore but he doesn't have to. 

Jun looks away, at the glass on the table with the stain growing underneath it. He hears a murmur behind him but he doesn't turn back again. Right now all he can do for both of them is to turn away.

Then, the door closes. 

It's over.

**Author's Note:**

> Unbetaed but I changed a couple of things that the lovely g_esquared@lj mentioned in a comment to me. :)


End file.
